Poem?

The best time to be with you
is late at night
When the world is asleep
and it's only us and our dreams

Your chest rises up and down
like a gentle wave in the sea

You're breathing lightly
like a soft gust of wind

And every once in a while
if I start to shift away
You will pull me in tighter
and I will smile
and drift back to sleep

The Past

This isn't very far into my past, but it helped me learn a lot.

I had been with my boyfriend for about eight months. We were inseparable, or so it seemed. Our relationship was going great, until suddenly it wasn't. He was going through a lot of family trouble and was taking it out on me. I tried so hard to support him and give him what he needed, but he kept lashing out and got meaner everyday. I finally couldn't handle the stress of it and broke up with him after he said some pretty mean stuff to me.

You think it would be easy to end a relationship with someone that hurt you, but it was the farthest thing from easy. I was so upset and burst into tears what felt like a million times a day. I was so depressed and had no desire to really do anything. After about three or four weeks the tears subsided, but I still struggled. It's hard to have someone that was so close to you for a pretty long part of your life just vanish. To go from talking every day to not speaking one word to you is horrible and takes major adjusting.

I learned a lot about myself and relationships during that time. I realized that it's not my job to make someone else happy, and I can't put myself over the edge trying to do so. I learned to focus on myself and that I could get through things that were really difficult. I learned I didn't need anyone else and I am still super young and should have other priorities. Relationships are hard and shouldn't be messed around with. I grow super attached to people and it is so hard to let go.

The Beginning

Beginning of senior speech? Okay.

High school graduation, I thought this day would never come. It was always so far away in my young mind. There have been so many memories made in the last four years at Westlake High School, good and bad. From awesome test scores, making new friends and going to dances; to horrible break ups, getting in trouble and maybe getting some not so stellar grades. Everyone I know was always so busy trying to balance school and everything else they did in their lives, and it was stressful. It wasn’t as easy as people made it out to be and probably not quite as hard as I made it.

Whether high school was something you loved or hated, it’s over now. Whatever you had to do to get to graduation, it worked. I know I had many tear-filled and sleepless nights that got me here today. More than once I spent the last week of the term doing homework around the clock. Somehow I made it happen, and so did you.

Personal

I hate how fast things can fall apart. One moment you're on top of the world, and the next you have taken a long, grueling fall and everything crashed right on top of you. It's a horrible feeling and I can do nothing but cry.

I get myself in the worst situations. I don't always think things through. I make impulse decisions that I don't see the consequences for until it is too late. I care too much for certain people and it tends to backfire on me. I get distracted easily and lose sight of what is really important to me and my life.

I need to get myself together and start making better choices.

Random feelings

Do you ever just feel sad?

For no reason really, you just feel like a downer all day. Maybe a little extra emotional. You overthink things that really aren't that bad, and just use them as an excuse to cry? You just need to get all your feelings out.

I have those days quite a bit actually, which is semi embarrassing. I cry it out, sleep a little bit and wake up feeling better. It might be needed to for my mental health, who really knows.

Whatever the reason for these sad little days, I enjoy them. Not really on the day of, but the day after when I feel refreshed.

Character

My characters name is Charlie Loveless. Her real name is Charlotte, but she hates that name. She is seventeen years old. She has really long black hair that goes all the way down her back and fairly tan skin. Her eyes are a heazely-green color and she has long natural lashes. She lives in Boston, and she likes it for the most part but is looking for something new. She wants to get out of her parents house and go to college. She wants to do something with her life. She is scared of the unknown and the future and it holds her back sometimes. She is really creative and that is one of her biggest strengths. Her parents got a divorce when she was younger and she is always being tossed around houses and people and meeting new girlfriends and boyfriends and it's exhausting. Her family life isn't the best but it is not horrible. She is closest with her dad. She listens to a ton of different kinds of music, there is really not anything she doesn't like. She doesn't watch a ton of TV, but when she does she is watching crime shows.

Trouble

Don't you just love getting in trouble?

Yeah, me either. Yet somehow it seems to happen to me all the time.
In reality, I do get away with a lot. Whether my mom knows or not, I have no idea. I feel like she can find out almost anything. I can lie about something and completely forget about it, then two weeks later she mysteriously finds out and I'm in trouble. It's ridiculous.

Maybe that's just moms though. I seriously think they have powers.

Jealousy

Have you ever seen your old boyfriend or girlfriend with someone new? You get a sudden pinch in your chest and it feels like they're waving them in your face, even if they aren't.

Jealousy is one of the worst feelings. For me, it's a mixture of anger and sadness with a weird twist. There's really not another feeling like it.

I remember in eighth grade when the boy I had liked for SO long finally started talking to me a little bit, it was the greatest thing ever. And this seems a little creepy, but whenever he talked to anyone else I got that burst of anger, pain and sadness all in one. It's sort of embarrassing, but that's one of the first memories I have about really getting jealous.

Jealousy is the root of almost all the crime shows I watch too....

Dreams

I love dreams. I love waking up with an emotion that reflects on your dream. Well, waking up horrified and sweaty from a nightmare isn't a great feeling, but it's so interesting to me that your subconscious can do that to you.

When I took psychology last year, learning about dreams was my favorite thing ever. It fascinated me. I actually bought a dream interpretation book, and look up almost all of the dreams I have now to see what they mean. It helped me figure out a lot of the problems I had in my conscious life, that I really didn't know I had. It really helped me become less stressed and I had fun doing it, and still do.

Embarrassment

Honestly, I have a lot of embarrassing stories that I really don't want to share. :)
But the most recent embarrassing thing that happened to me was at work when I lost the kid who I was supposed to be babysitting. I had to go out searching for him because he didn't listen to me. I had to call his mom and it was just horrible, I was so embarrassed.
"Hi, I lost your kid. Sorry.."

Fear

It's easy to make a list of things that scare you. I have a lot of common fears, just like the common person does. Spiders, heights, birds, clowns, zombies, etc. But when you really think about the emotional things that scare you, it gets slightly tougher to make a list. Whether you don't want to think about them, or you don't want to admit them, it's just more difficult. The biggest one I came up with was my weird fear of change. Why does that scare me so bad? Why wouldn't I want things to change especially if I am unhappy? It's an irrational fear in my opinion. And it's one I wouldn't want to put on my list, because maybe I am a little embarrassed by it.

I try not to think about it too much, but when something is different, I freak out. I just can't help it. I'm hoping that it is a fear I can learn to get over.

Courage

Facing your fears can sometimes seem impossible. It may take a lot to drive the courage out of you. Courage is about having the strength to fight your insecurities, pain or fears. It may be as simple as talking to someone new if you're shy, or standing up to a bully. There are more drastic acts of courage or bravery that you hear about on the news, where someone runs into a burning building to save a dog or jumps into a lake to save a drowning child. But no matter how big or small the act is, as long as you face your fears or pain you have been courageous.

intro

It's hard. It's hard for me to write about myself or what I am told to write.

I write freely and not as often as I should. There's so much to say and so many thoughts, that I can't always get everything out.
I feel like I make everything a competition and I can never win, even if I am just competing with myself.

I love to read. I get absorbed in almost every book I pick up. I won't sleep until I finish just one more sentence, page, chapter.
I love shopping. I love food. I love watching all of my shows late at night while everyone else is asleep. I love my dog. I love my family and friends. I love sports. I love being outside in the sun. I love you :)

I can't wake up in the mornings. I hate getting ready for school. I hate fighting with anyone, I'm too emotional for that. I try to be organized, but I almost always fail. I hate tomatoes. I hate public bathrooms. I hate being forced to socialize.

I am just a normal teenage girl, for the most part.
-xoxo